My Feelings

      I haven't written in this blog since 2015 and life happened to where I have forgotten that I had this blog until today.  So many things have happened in my life since I starting the blog.  I first started it because I was looking for a way to document my weight loss journey that I was on at the time.  I'm still on my journey to better health with the help of an amazing doctor.  I am going to use this blog as a way to express my thoughts and feelings as well as my weight loss journey or as I call it my healthier lifestyle.

     On New Year's Eve, I got the news that my father had passed. I was and still am in a state of shock as I'm trying to process it all.  Although, I didn't see my dad often,  I would call him on Father's Day and his birthday, or I would call him just because I wanted to hear his voice.  In 2018, we reconnected when he was in the hospital and I surprised him with a visit.  He was so happy to see me and we talked and laughed.  When I was younger, I always thought that my dad loved my brother more than me but that wasn't the case.  He told me that he loved me but differently  from  my brother.  I can still remember the conversation because he brought it up.  I finally understood what he was talking about because of the two young men that I have. That didn't diminish the love that he had for me and the love that I had and will always have for him.

     As my dad health declined, I didn't go see him like I should have and that is what's hurting me the most right now as I am grieving.  The pain that I'm feeling is deep. I haven't has a decent night of rest since his passing.  I thought I would have had more time to say my goodbyes or I was hoping and that he praying would beat his illness.  I know God makes no mistakes and I know in my heart that my dad was weary.  I will always cherish my memories of my dad and remember all of the good times.  I will cherish the wisdom that he handed out when I saw or spoke with him.

I will be saying my final goodbyes to my dad this weekend.  I don't know how I will handle it. I'm still processing the feelings that I have.  I do know that's it's going to take me a long time to get over this loss.  Just knowing that  I won't be able to just pick up the phone to call him just to hear his voice or just to surprise him with a visit is going be hard deal with. I know that I will have some good and bad days in the future.

     To my dad, Rest Easy because your oldest daughter misses you so much.  I wish you were still here but God needed you more. I will always love you and you are always in my heart. I know that you will be an angel watching over me and the rest of my sisters and brothers.

Walking Anniversary

Today marks a year that I started walking to be healthy. On this journey I have discovered his much I love doing it. But also by walking, you have a chance just to think about life in general. I know that I am blessed because I have been through so much in my life to get to where I am today. It has not been easy and life isn't by a long shot.
Today I was called bitter. Maybe I am in a sense because here I am always being the kind person that I am, I tend to be taken advantage of. To some degree, I have been used up to where once I have been used, I don't matter anymore. I have discovered that the hard way. I always felt like I'm on the outside looking in even in my own family. I also feel like I'm the black sheep of it as well. I know that I'm not perfect by no means,  but to always feel like you're such a disappointment  because you have less than others is heartbreaking. Especially when you feel like you're being compared to your siblings and what they have and what they can do. Especially when you feel like no matter what you do or what you have done is never enough. You know I may smile on the outside but the inside is another story.  I may not have a lot of money or material things, but I do have a kind heart and soul. No matter what, I am a person that matters.
So yes, maybe I am bitter. I'm tired of being used, unloved, and taking advantage of.  Yes, maybe I'm bitter because I tired of being treated like dirt. But as I go about the rest of my day,  I will be celebrating my one year walking by walking. It helps clears my soul and thoughts.

Reflection Sunday

As I'm sitting here thinking and reflecting I have often wondered about why I can't find a man to have a meaningful relationship with. I have ask the question if there is something wrong with me. I know my worth and I have just had some bad relationships in the past. I had some one ask me a while ago the reason that I was on my weight loss journey. Was I trying to slim down to find a man. The answer was no that I'm losing it for myself and my health. But in the back of my mind I have always wondered if it had been my weight that have kept me from having any type of relationship. To me the answer is yes because of no fault of my own and my belief of trusting, in my past relationships I have been the other woman when to my thinking I was the only one. This has led me to have many heartbreaks in the course of my growing up. Maybe it had something to do with my self esteem which at time even now that I am growing my confidence. Often I wonder have I met Mr. Right and I didn't know it and he past me by. 

I am waiting this time around because I have been hurt and too trusting at times when in relationships. Knowing what I know now and reflecting on it deeply, what may have felt like a relationship to me was not what it meant to them. It meant to them I believe that they sensed I had self esteem issues that I was easy to use to their advantage until they didn't need me anymore or I wasn't of any use to them anymore. It's a wonderful thing I'm finding out going on this journey. Yes I still believe in true love because I have seen many examples of it even if I haven't had the experience of it yet.  I feel one day that I will experience it. I know I have a lot to offer and I know I'm worthy of so much more than what I have had in the past. But until I do, I refuse to settle for less than I deserve. Here I am about to turn 43 in a few months and I haven't experienced true love. I know when I finally do, I won't let it pass me by.

Weight gain

I went to the doctor today because I was feeling bad. Right now I have an upper respiratory infection and my asthma flared up. I also weighted and found out that I had gained some weight back. When I saw the number in the scale, I was bummed out but one of my favorite nurses told me to still be proud because look at what I accomplished. That made me feel better. Even though this is a set back, I am not going to give up the fight!! I lost before and I will lose again!! That is why I'm glad I don't have a scale at home because I will become obsessed and that will cause more harm than good. I just want to tell everyone that is struggling with weight issues, don't give up! I'm not going to!!  I'm here to encourage and hopefully I am helping someone with my journey!! Having support and the determination is so important!! I'm determined!! I'm going to keep my eyes on the prize!! Just keep on encouraging me as I will be encouraging myself!!

Feelings

I know that I haven't posted in a while on here. Today I just felt like writing my thoughts down or typing them down. I'm still on my weight loss journey. So far so good. These past few days I have been feeling down and alone. It has given me a lot to think about. I know that I have been an inspiration to a few people and some are even proud of me. I am proud of me also but sometimes I just feel so alone. I really don't have anyone in my family that I can really talk too. The one person that you would think would be the easiest to talk to isn't. Sometimes I just feel like maybe I just don't matter. It's all I can do not to cry while typing this. I have had so many people in my life say such hateful things to me that often makes me question my self esteem and myself.  I just sit here thinking that all the relationships that I was in was wrong for me because in each one of them I was looking for unconditional love. I have to say that wasn't successful. I'm trying so hard to remain true to myself since I have been on my journey for a year. Sometimes I just want to sink back into the comfort and love that food used to give me when I wasn't receiving it. But so far I have remain strong and I still continue to eat healthy.

I am finally learning that once you do for others, they don't extend the same courtesy. Once you say no when they ask you to do something for them, they get mad or don't speak to you. Maybe they act like they are better than you. No one can ever say that I was not there for them when I could be. Whether it was lending money, buying something, or just being there, I was there. I asked for nothing in return. I let everyone know I was there for them because that was the way I was raised by my grandparents.

It hurts my heart to hear people say that I have a favorite out of my boys. Even my oldest feels this way and it hurts my heart so bad. I do all I can for both of my boys and to hear that made my heart break. Yes I do spend more quality time with my youngest Marcus because he's going through the same self esteem issues that I went through when I was in school. He doesn't have a whole lot of friends and sometimes he feels left out.  My oldest I don't worry about because he's outgoing and has plenty of friends and family that loves him. Sometimes my youngest feels like members of his family don't love him and I feel for him because I can relate. He is my walking partner and when we walk we talk about school and his feelings about things. I feel bad that I can't do certain things for them both because I can no longer work. When I had my car and my job, that's I felt is when people wanted to be around me. Now that I have neither, it's like I don't exist for certain people unless they want me to do something for them. 

I am going to just pray hard on it because right now it's making feel like I have hatred in my heart and that's not the person that I am. It's also trying to make me bitter which I'm not trying to be. I'm still going to continue my journey and make the most of it. I will rise and shine again. I just want to thank everyone that has been in my corner. Love you all. Thanks for reading my blog.

Feeling down

I'm sitting here feeling blue and I decided to write my next installment of my blog. I am still on my journey because I'm not giving up. Just feeling like I'm letting my boys down because I am struggling so much just to provide for them now. It's just a new set of worrying and some days I just want to eat my problems away. That is unhealthy so I'm trying to just write how I feel. I'm here to say it's not easy living off an income once a month when you are so used to working and being able to provide for them. It's hard telling them you can't get this or that because I'm budgeting how I'm going to buy groceries for the rest of the month. I know they understand but to me I feel like I'm letting them down. I just feel like I'm in a backward spiral from where I was just three or four years ago. I'm blessed that I get to be a stay at home mom but I really wish I was back on the work force. I really don't have anyone to talk to that really understands me. It's just like I'm lonely all the time. I do go out and do my daily walks and Zumba. I also volunteer at the library twice a week. I'm in college online so when I finish, maybe this will be a start of something new in my life. My oldest has his first part time job and I'm so proud of him. When I started this blog, it was to help me with my weight loss journey. I never realized that I was inspiring so many people in various ways. I have had many of my friends tell me how my blogs and posts have helped and encourage them. I'm going to keep on keeping on because I will overcome all the obstacles that are in my way. Not giving up even though sometimes I want to. Especially when you do all you can for others and they don't appreciate it. Or when you are constantly feel like you don't even matter. That you feel like the only reason that people want to be around you when you have a little bit of money and then the rest of time look down at you because you don't have. But you know, I will be back and stronger than ever. I just have to weather the storm. I just want my boys to be proud of me and I just want them to know that I love them both the same. I hope they don't feel like I have a favorite because that is how I have been feeling all my life. Until then, I am just going to concentrate on getting healthy and working on me. Because I have to continue to love me first and foremost so that I can be happy and free.

Merry Christmas

i just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I was just sitting here reflecting on all I have accomplished and I am so proud of myself!! I have to admit it feels good. I still have a long ways to go but I'm up for the challenge. The Devil tried to steal my joy last night and I just felt like I wanted to go back to old eating habits. I had someone close to me say a very hurtful thing last night. It really made me feel some type of way and very sad on the inside. I tried not to let bother me but it does. Because I do all I can to provide for this person. I always make sure this person have and I go without. I never imagine this person would say that to me. As I am sitting here typing this I am in tears. Last night was the toughest night of my life as a single parent. I'm here trying to be both parents because your father quit stepping up to the plate. But you know what I'm still standing and I will not let anyone steal my joy. I just had to do this blog today because I didn't want these negative feelings on my mind and heart. So I am going to enjoy this day and take my walk later. Most importantly I'm going to be happy and continuing working on me and reaching my goals.

Being Me

Being Me has come with a lot of changes this past year. I am so proud of what I have accomplished so far. I know I haven't been blogging for a while. I just didn't want to bore anyone. I am proud to say that I have started college back online. So far I am doing great in the first class that I am taking. Hoping this journey will be as successful as my weight loss journey.  I had a setback when I went for my post op appointment.  I gained four pounds of what I lost back. I was bummed but I am not going to let that stop me. I am in it to win it. When I get to where I want to be, I am going to celebrate. I celebrate each pound I have lost. I am still walking and doing Zumba. Going to start back at the gym either Tom or Tuesday. I can tell the difference with my loss and I love what I see. I'm still a work in progress  in every aspect of my life. I'm working on me and loving what I am learning. For so long I though the reason that I wasn't in a steady relationship was because of my weight. Because the ones that I was in, they either used me, abused me or cheated on me. But now, I know they weren't a good relationships. They were toxic to me. You see I still believe in love and romance. I know that one day God is going to send that right person that is worthy of me.  So until them focusing on me is my goal because right now I'm not ready. I'm going to continue learning the new me and be the best woman and mom that I can be.

Still Going

I know its been a while since I did a new blog. I'm still on my journey and doing good. I have made a few new life decisions along the way. First I made the decision to go back to college. Although I will be going on line I feel this is the right move to make. Have to better myself so that my boys are taken care of. Everything I do, I do with them in mind. Although they are getting older, they are my first priority above anything else. Second decision I made was to start volunteering at my local library two days a week for right now in the mornings. I'm still going to be doing my walks, going to the gym, and Zumba. Just trying to stay busy and focused on me for a change. You see, I think about everyone else before myself. I'm getting better focusing on me but I'm still a work in progress. 

  I still have my times when I'm down but I haven't went back to my unhealthy ways. When I start to think about it, I go eat a piece of fruit or go on my walks. You see walking gives me time to think and reflect and I'm glad that I decided to move this body of mine. 

Today I was feeling bad because my oldest wanted to go out. Well things financially haven't been great but I have been making sure they have all the need. Life being a single mom is hard, but I wouldn't change a thing. But I feel that both of their fathers need to step up to the plate and help take care of their boys. But regardless, they have me and I'm going to make sure they have. When they get grown and ion their own , they are going to remember that I was there for them. With that being said, I got this. Yes I'm stronger now than I was a few years ago. I have Him to thank.

I'm still going to be me and do me! Wish me luck as  I start school on Monday! I'm determined to succeed in all of my endeavors.

Taking Care of Yourself

As many of you many know, I had outpatient surgery done on Thursday. I have to tell you that I was so nervous up to that day. While I was in my room waiting to get prepped for surgery, something told me to pick up the Bible there. I read the 23rd Psalms which was my stepdad Henry favorite and the 27th Psalms the first verse. That passage stuck with me the whole time. I went back and was reading that verse over and over again. I knew then that I had nothing to worry about because of my faith in Him.

After my surgery was done and Dr. Vaughn and the nurse woke me up, I had been in recovery for thirty minutes. I didn't realize that I had a breathing complication until the nurse to,d me and she removed the breathing tube from my nose. My throat was so sore that I had tears running out of my eyes. I knew then that He was with me through it all!! I know now that He has a plan for me and he never left my side. As soon as I recover and get released from doctor care, I'm going to go back to my exercise and my Zumba. I feel bad because I can't do these things right now but taking care of myself must come first. I over did it yesterday and today I'm paying for it because I did my normal routine of housework and taking care of my boys. Today they are taking care of me. I really appreciate them both because I know they were worried about me. This is one of the times being a single parent is tough because I'm supposed to be taking care of them and they are taking care of me. I thank God for bringing me through so that I could continue to care for my boys. Chris and Marcus I love you very much.

Another Accomplishment

Yesterday I went to have my pre op appointments for my surgery which is next Thursday. I am proud to announce that I have lost eight more pounds bringing my total up to seventy pounds lost since I started this weight loss journey in January. I am so proud of myself! I know now that I can do it! I have the determination, so I know I can do it!
 It feels good to put on my clothes now and they are loose. I can do so much more know than before. I feel good knowing that I'm sticking to this journey. I have had a lot of ups and downs while on this journey, but I have not slid back into unhealthy eating habits. It also feels good to see people that I know saying that they are proud of me. Most importantly, I'm proud that I'm doing this without help. I credit my faith in God for giving me the strength to continue on this journey. I know that I didn't gain the weight all in one time so I know it will take time and work to lose it. I know I'm up to the challenge.
 I have had several people tell me that I'm an inspiration to them. When I started out, it was to work on myself physically and emotionally. Because all through my life, I have suffered from self esteem issues. I felt like I couldn't have a good relationship because of my weight. In school, I had very few friends because I felt it was because of my weight. I used to get teased all the time. In high school, I wasn't popular at all. If  girls talked to me at all it was to try and get me to convince my brother to go out with them because he was popular. For a time, school was so bad that I quit going for a time the end of my junior/senior year. I had some good people come into my life and encouraged me not to give up. One was my high school counselor Ms. Kelsaw and the woman I call my second mom Mary Lou! These ladies was there for me and encourage me to be the best I can be. I also want to thank Mr. Hoffman. Even though I didn't have a class with him, he guided me as well.  They wasn't afraid to tell me truth whether I wanted to hear it or not.
  For anyone that is struggling with your weight, please don't give up! Take it one day at a time. If you fall, just pick yourself back up because you have another day to get it right. I eat healthy everyday but I occasionally have a cheat day. But even then I watch my calorie intake. My best advice is to drink plenty of water! That is all I drink now! Last but not least, Henry I know you are smiling down on me and so proud of  me!

Accomplishment

In 11 days I will be celebrating my 42nd birthday. I am proud of all that I have accomplished in these nine months since I first started my weight loss journey in January. I am 62 pounds lighter and working hard on losing more. It is hard work  but I see the difference in my appearance. I love how now when I out on my clothes, they are loose. I like when I'm walking, I see people and they stop to tell me how proud they are and to continue the good work. I'm proud of how I've stuck with even when life has gotten in the way.
  I just want to say it has been three months since I started walking everyday. I joined the gym two months ago. It's also been two months since I started doing Zumba. I enjoy doing all the exercises not. I can't believe it's me saying it when I didn't like it at all. But I had reached my point when I would wake up in the mornings wheezing because of my asthma. My knees and legs hurting because of my arthritis.  Losing weight has also been good for my self esteem as I'm presently working on loving myself.  I have learned that you have to love yourself first. When I gain all of my confidence back, watch out world because I'm going to take it by storm.
 It also feel good when your kids are proud of you and all the hard work that you have put in. Chris and Marcus push me and motivate me everyday to be the best I can be. Plus they support and encourage me to keep pushing on. I just want to say, for anyone that is struggling with weight, just take it one day at a time. You didn't gain it all at one time, so it's going to take time to shed it.  If you fall off, just get back up and try again! When I get to where I want to be weight wise, I will still continue because I don't want to slip back into my unhealthy habit.

One Month of Gym and Zumba

With everything that has been going on lately, I forgot to write that yesterday marked one month since I started going to the gym and doing Zumba! I'm so glad that I added both of these exercises to my weight loss journey. Since doing my daily walk, gym and Zumba I am seeing the results of my hard work. My clothes are getting loose. Monday I was doing Zumba, I kept having to pull my clothes up because they was falling down!! I'm trying to hold off on buying new clothes until I reach the weight that I'm most comfortable with. With every pound lost, I'm learning to love myself more. Believe me when I said getting to this point has been hard. I have learned that doing my exercise sessions and my walking, that I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I needed to learn to love myself first. If I can't love myself, then how can I expect for love to find me?
  Going on this weight loss journey has opened my eyes to a lot of changes that are going on within myself. I'm hoping by my birthday next month, that I will have lost more weight. I know turning 42 is going to be fabulous!! I just wanted to let everyone know how much I appreciate all the support and kind words as I have been going through my journey. It means a lot to me. More that you all will ever know. I know I can accomplish this journey.
   I just wanted to ask you all to say a prayer for me also. Next month the day after my birthday I have to have surgery. When I went to the gynecologist on the 1st, she found a Cyst near my cervix. Since I got this news, I have been very worried. This is my first time for having any type of surgery and to say that I'm nervous is an understatement. I'm praying everyday and keeping the faith. I haven't slipped back into my unhealthy eating habits even though I was tempted. So that in itself is another accomplishment for me. I'm just going to keep on walking, exercising, and Zumba!! Happy Anniversary to me!!
 

Two Months of Walking

Saturday marked two months since I started walking the weight off. Marcus and I walk everyday weather permitting!! I love walking. I never thought I would be saying that but it's true. I have a good days and bad days when I walk because of my knees but I push through and get it done. I just have to thank my friend Jackie for starting me on my walking journey because had it not been for her coming down on that one Saturday walking with me, I still would have put it off. Now I can't wait to walk everyday. I normally go in the evenings since it's cooler. Someday I have went on my walks twice in one day. Walking has helped me physically and mentally. It has also helped me bond more with my youngest Marcus. We have little talks where I have learned so much about how he feels about certain things. Today we was talking about how cute he was as a baby and he tell me now I'm fat and ugly. I said no Marcus you are a handsome young man and I love you very much. I also tell him that we are walking our weight off and you will get there. It takes time. Look at me I tells him and look at what I accomplished with you walking with me and your oldest brother motivating me. It hurt me when he told me that he was fat and ugly because for so long in my life especially since becoming an adult that I felt exactly like he does now. By me being on this journey, I am learning to love myself and hopefully he will too. I can only imagine what he went through at school with others in his class teasing him. I went through the same. It took time but now I'm stronger for it. Doing this blog and posting on FaceBook is keeping me focused plus I'm finding out things about myself that I hadn't looked to examine in my life before now. Just one example of this is that I always used to think that the reason I couldn't keep and stay in a relationship with a man was because of my weight. Now I have learned that I wasn't what they needed in their life. I now know that I'm worthy of so much more than the cheating and being used. Hopefully as my boys get older, they will know how to treat a lady.
   I'm going to end this blog by saying that I know that my hero my stepdad Henry is smiling down knowing that I am losing weight. I know he's proud of me and I can feel his presence around me. I'm proud of myself.

First Weight Loss Goal Accomplished

I went to the doctor on yesterday 8/1. I was nervous and a little worried about getting my annual female checkup.  I was at my appointment early and within ten minutes I was being seen. I was nervous when I got on the scale. When I saw how much more weight I had lost, I was so excited!! So glad I made my choice at the beginning of the year to get healthy. I have lost 26 more pounds bringing my total weight loss to 62 lbs. I have accomplished my first goal that I set for myself. I wanted to lose 50 lbs by my birthday in September. I did that plus lost more!! I am so proud of myself for doing this.  For me sticking to my journey is an accomplishment also. I have had a few storms come in recently but I didn't slip back into eating unhealthy. That is also an accomplishment for me. Now I'm read to continue on to my next goal of losing 50 lbs by January. I know I can do it and I will succeed!! My sons Chris and Marcus have been supporting me every step of the way! I know they are proud of their momma!!  I'm on this journey for me as well as them!! As my cousin told me tonight Stella is getting her groove back!!  Yes I am buy getting healthy and maintaining the loss. Turning 42 is going to be my new 22! Now only if the boys were grown lol! I'm holding off on buying new things until I reach the goal that I'm happy with!! Thank you all for supporting me!! It means a lot!!

Two Weeks At the Gym

This past Friday marked two weeks since I joined the gym. I am loving it so far. I also go to the Zumba class that is offered two days a week on Mondays and Wednesdays. I am enjoying that as well! Finding myself getting used to going to both as a part of my losing weight and getting fit. I look forward to going to both activities in addition to my walks everyday. I'm trying not to let the exercise bike  get the best of me. As of Friday I did 4 miles in 18 minutes.  To me and my body shape that is an accomplishment. Trying so hard to shed these pounds so I can get back into the work force. I know I didn't gain it all at once, so I know losing it is going to take time. I feel like I'm letting my kids down because I'm not financially stable. Like last week I had to tell them that I couldn't afford to go school shopping for them this year because of bills having to be paid. I haven't turned to food to comfort me while I'm going through this little bump in the road. Instead I go walking and exercise to keep my mind occupied.  I know He is to make a way so I try not to worry and stress about things. Everyday is a struggle and I'm taking it step by step day by day. Just know that I'm not giving up! I am going to shed these pounds and make a better life for me and my boys. I have to thank my oldest son Chris because he makes sure I go to the gym everyday. Marcus is my walking partner and he makes sure that I walk everyday. He may not go all the time but he goes every time I go. I just want to again thank my supporters and my friends and family. Just knowing that you all are in my corner makes me smile. I have been told by so many that I have inspired them. I'm glad that my journey is helping. This coming from me a person that was teased constantly through school. Talked about and put down so many times. But I'm still standing. Keeping my eyes on the prize and that is to better my health. Like I told my boys, turning 42 in September is going to be my new 22!

Compliments and Inspiration

It makes my heart feel glad when I go on my walks and I see people. They either wave or stop to tell me what a good job that I'm doing. When I started on this weight loss journey, it was to get healthier so that my overall health could improve. Also to be around to watch my two boys grow up. I started this blog to help me keep focused and motivated.
   Today I was having a rough day. I was sore from Zumba and from my exercise and walk yesterday. Marcus and I walked to the library and to the store. While I was in the store, I had two people to come up to me and tell me how proud they was. This definitely brighten my day!! Even through my posts on Facebook and here on my blog, I have people telling me how proud they are of me!! But you know what makes me happy when my boys tell me how proud of me they are. That is the greatest feeling in the world!! Yesterday I was dragging my feet about going to the gym because I was sore from the bike on Monday. My oldest Chris said mom I know you're going to the gym. I said yes I am!! I thank him yesterday for motivating me because for a moment I was thinking about quitting. But then I said no I'm not!! Because I got my eyes on the prize and that is my overall health.  In time, the gym is going to be my friend. I thought I wasn't doing enough, but I was close to overdoing it.  So my lesson was to take my time and I will get the results I'm striving for!! I didn't gain the weight all at one time, so losing the weight is going to take time.  I really enjoyed Zumba and the gym!! I'm going to find the balance between my walking, Zumba, and the gym. I like how I'm losing my weight the natural way. Before at various times,I tried all kinds of diets. I would lose the weight but gain it back plus more! I'm determined to lose it and keep it off!! I know I'm doing at good job because my doctor sent me my labs results and on the results she wrote keep up the awesome job!! That really made me smile!! I just want to tell all my friends and supporters thanks for believing in me!! I now know that I can achieve my goals. If my blog is helping or inspiring someone then that makes me happy too! One day when I reach my goal, I believe I'm going to go back through all these post and maybe write a book. #TeamWalkingTheWeightOff is my slogan.

Have You Ever Felt Like You're On The Outside Looking In

The reason I chose this title is because today that's the way I'm feeling. I'm writing this down so that I don't go back to my unhealthy ways. I have been feeling this way my whole life. Like where do I fit in or am I just destined to feel this way? I know that I'm always smiling but some days I feel down and I try not to let it show.  I feel great that I'm finally doing something for me to better my health. For so long I have always put others before myself. Time and time again I have done this. But I always move on because I know I'm going to be blessed. What hurts me to my heart is when that one person whether family or friend treats you like you are nothing and just straight out looks down on you. This has happened to me and to my regret I feel that my youngest is suffering because of it.  Today he got called out of his name. That hurt me to my heart because I treat this person child like mine. I don't know why this person doesn't like or just plain looks down on me and mine. There have been plenty of times that when I was working and I got off early I would wait so that they could have a way home. But now I'm not good enough to even ride in this person's car. I don't know if its because I'm not working and I'm drawing disability or what. People that know me know that I would rather be working because living month to month off one check and have to provide for two boys is hard but I'm doing it. I'm not sure if its because after one year of college I moved away to live with my aunt so that I could better myself or what. When I was living here after high school I didn't have a license and had to catch people just to get to college everyday. So my aunt offered me a chance to move and get a job. Which I took.  So I don't know what it is but I'm tired of my child suffering for it because of me. But I'm not going to let that stop me from eating healthy and losing my weight. I may be down right now struggling but trust and believe I'm going to make it. This is all about making me and mine happy. Their happiness and mine is all that matters. I have to say I admire the relationship between my mom and my aunt. They support each other and they are there for each other.  Even when they are apart they call and text each other. I have sisters and they are paired off like my mom and aunt. I'm the lone sister.  To have a relationship like that would be awesome. I guess because I'm the oldest. But in spite of this not going backwards. #TeamWalkingtheweightoff is going to be a success!!

In my Feelings

Today I went to the gym and used the stationary bike for the first time!! I was proud of myself being that  I hadn't been on any type of bike since childhood!! I also worked out on the various machines. I can see why some people like to exercise. It's like an high. I think I would have pushed myself way passed my limit if one of the staff hadn't came back and checked on me. I so wanted to keep pressing on.
   Life to me is like getting on that bike for the first time and exercising for the first time. You have your highs and lows that comes along with it. Tonight someone made me feel like I wasn't good enough. In actuality, this person has always made me feel like that. No matter how nice I am to this person, I feel like  this person just  looks down their nose at me. You know I was so tempted to go back to food to comfort my hurt feelings, but you know what I DIDN'T!! I am so proud of myself for resisting the temptation!! Tomorrow I'm going to the gym and work  that temptation out. You see I am addicted to food and everyday is a struggle just to eat for nutrition.  By the way, I did two miles on that bike!! I was determined that I wasn't going to let that bike get the best of me. It took me 15 minutes to pedal those two miles, but it's an accomplishment that I'm proud of!! Just like I'm proud of the way I have stuck to walking everyday and eating healthy. This blog is my way of expressing my feelings and my thoughts. It's helping me to cope with my changing body and my life.  I'm doing this for me and my boys. Because I know that I am all that they have. They need me around to watch them grow up, be successful, if they decide to marry or make me a grandma. I have a ways to go before all that happens lol.
   I guess what I'm trying to say is that one day I will look this person in the eye and tell them that I am good enough!! Because I am!! But right now, I'm working on my health and my body!!

One Month Down

Was just sitting here thinking that Saturday marked one month that I started walking everyday. Who would have thought that I would be doing this everyday? Certainly not me!! Lol!! Hard work is paying off and now I am starting to see what others are seeing. I have learn so much by walking everyday. My youngest son Marcus and I have grown closer. We have talks everyday and he's starting to open up about his feeling more. I am more proud of him for sticking to the walking also. I think now he is starting to see the difference in himself and he's proud!! That makes me one happy momma!!
   Life has certainly thrown me some curves over the past few years. I used to handle it by eating food. Now I'm handling it by walking everyday. I have been telling my family that I want a beach body but really I just want to be healthy. If I can accomplish that, I will be happy and proud of my self. One because I'm doing something to please me and not others like I have been trying to do my whole life.
  I will be turning 42 in September but I'm going to call it my new 22!! Hopefully I will be able to schedule me a getaway to celebrate one meeting first weight loss goal and two just celebrating being happy with all I have accomplished thus far. I know everything happens for a reason, you just have to learn to dust yourself off and move on. One day in the near future, I may enter the dating scene again. I know one thing for sure , it had really changed. Until then, working on me is my priority.
  I think I'm going to get Marcus and I a shirt made with my slogan I use everyday which is #TeamWalkingTheWeightOff.
    For anyone that's struggling with weight issues. Don't give up!! Take it one day at a time!! I even shocked my doctor with how much weight I had lost!! She was surprised because I have a moderate case of sleep Alpena. I don't use the machine which she said if I had that I would even lose more weight and get my proper amount of sleep at night which I don't get now. But since I have been walking and doing my squats, I have been getting sleepy. If you fall off the wagon, just dust yourself off and remember tomorrow is another day to try again.
   I hope that anyone that reads my blog is enjoying it. I'm open to suggestions on how to make it better. But me doing this blog is keeping me focus.