Feeling down

I'm sitting here feeling blue and I decided to write my next installment of my blog. I am still on my journey because I'm not giving up. Just feeling like I'm letting my boys down because I am struggling so much just to provide for them now. It's just a new set of worrying and some days I just want to eat my problems away. That is unhealthy so I'm trying to just write how I feel. I'm here to say it's not easy living off an income once a month when you are so used to working and being able to provide for them. It's hard telling them you can't get this or that because I'm budgeting how I'm going to buy groceries for the rest of the month. I know they understand but to me I feel like I'm letting them down. I just feel like I'm in a backward spiral from where I was just three or four years ago. I'm blessed that I get to be a stay at home mom but I really wish I was back on the work force. I really don't have anyone to talk to that really understands me. It's just like I'm lonely all the time. I do go out and do my daily walks and Zumba. I also volunteer at the library twice a week. I'm in college online so when I finish, maybe this will be a start of something new in my life. My oldest has his first part time job and I'm so proud of him. When I started this blog, it was to help me with my weight loss journey. I never realized that I was inspiring so many people in various ways. I have had many of my friends tell me how my blogs and posts have helped and encourage them. I'm going to keep on keeping on because I will overcome all the obstacles that are in my way. Not giving up even though sometimes I want to. Especially when you do all you can for others and they don't appreciate it. Or when you are constantly feel like you don't even matter. That you feel like the only reason that people want to be around you when you have a little bit of money and then the rest of time look down at you because you don't have. But you know, I will be back and stronger than ever. I just have to weather the storm. I just want my boys to be proud of me and I just want them to know that I love them both the same. I hope they don't feel like I have a favorite because that is how I have been feeling all my life. Until then, I am just going to concentrate on getting healthy and working on me. Because I have to continue to love me first and foremost so that I can be happy and free.

Merry Christmas

i just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I was just sitting here reflecting on all I have accomplished and I am so proud of myself!! I have to admit it feels good. I still have a long ways to go but I'm up for the challenge. The Devil tried to steal my joy last night and I just felt like I wanted to go back to old eating habits. I had someone close to me say a very hurtful thing last night. It really made me feel some type of way and very sad on the inside. I tried not to let bother me but it does. Because I do all I can to provide for this person. I always make sure this person have and I go without. I never imagine this person would say that to me. As I am sitting here typing this I am in tears. Last night was the toughest night of my life as a single parent. I'm here trying to be both parents because your father quit stepping up to the plate. But you know what I'm still standing and I will not let anyone steal my joy. I just had to do this blog today because I didn't want these negative feelings on my mind and heart. So I am going to enjoy this day and take my walk later. Most importantly I'm going to be happy and continuing working on me and reaching my goals.

Being Me

Being Me has come with a lot of changes this past year. I am so proud of what I have accomplished so far. I know I haven't been blogging for a while. I just didn't want to bore anyone. I am proud to say that I have started college back online. So far I am doing great in the first class that I am taking. Hoping this journey will be as successful as my weight loss journey.  I had a setback when I went for my post op appointment.  I gained four pounds of what I lost back. I was bummed but I am not going to let that stop me. I am in it to win it. When I get to where I want to be, I am going to celebrate. I celebrate each pound I have lost. I am still walking and doing Zumba. Going to start back at the gym either Tom or Tuesday. I can tell the difference with my loss and I love what I see. I'm still a work in progress  in every aspect of my life. I'm working on me and loving what I am learning. For so long I though the reason that I wasn't in a steady relationship was because of my weight. Because the ones that I was in, they either used me, abused me or cheated on me. But now, I know they weren't a good relationships. They were toxic to me. You see I still believe in love and romance. I know that one day God is going to send that right person that is worthy of me.  So until them focusing on me is my goal because right now I'm not ready. I'm going to continue learning the new me and be the best woman and mom that I can be.

Still Going

I know its been a while since I did a new blog. I'm still on my journey and doing good. I have made a few new life decisions along the way. First I made the decision to go back to college. Although I will be going on line I feel this is the right move to make. Have to better myself so that my boys are taken care of. Everything I do, I do with them in mind. Although they are getting older, they are my first priority above anything else. Second decision I made was to start volunteering at my local library two days a week for right now in the mornings. I'm still going to be doing my walks, going to the gym, and Zumba. Just trying to stay busy and focused on me for a change. You see, I think about everyone else before myself. I'm getting better focusing on me but I'm still a work in progress. 

  I still have my times when I'm down but I haven't went back to my unhealthy ways. When I start to think about it, I go eat a piece of fruit or go on my walks. You see walking gives me time to think and reflect and I'm glad that I decided to move this body of mine. 

Today I was feeling bad because my oldest wanted to go out. Well things financially haven't been great but I have been making sure they have all the need. Life being a single mom is hard, but I wouldn't change a thing. But I feel that both of their fathers need to step up to the plate and help take care of their boys. But regardless, they have me and I'm going to make sure they have. When they get grown and ion their own , they are going to remember that I was there for them. With that being said, I got this. Yes I'm stronger now than I was a few years ago. I have Him to thank.

I'm still going to be me and do me! Wish me luck as  I start school on Monday! I'm determined to succeed in all of my endeavors.

Taking Care of Yourself

As many of you many know, I had outpatient surgery done on Thursday. I have to tell you that I was so nervous up to that day. While I was in my room waiting to get prepped for surgery, something told me to pick up the Bible there. I read the 23rd Psalms which was my stepdad Henry favorite and the 27th Psalms the first verse. That passage stuck with me the whole time. I went back and was reading that verse over and over again. I knew then that I had nothing to worry about because of my faith in Him.

After my surgery was done and Dr. Vaughn and the nurse woke me up, I had been in recovery for thirty minutes. I didn't realize that I had a breathing complication until the nurse to,d me and she removed the breathing tube from my nose. My throat was so sore that I had tears running out of my eyes. I knew then that He was with me through it all!! I know now that He has a plan for me and he never left my side. As soon as I recover and get released from doctor care, I'm going to go back to my exercise and my Zumba. I feel bad because I can't do these things right now but taking care of myself must come first. I over did it yesterday and today I'm paying for it because I did my normal routine of housework and taking care of my boys. Today they are taking care of me. I really appreciate them both because I know they were worried about me. This is one of the times being a single parent is tough because I'm supposed to be taking care of them and they are taking care of me. I thank God for bringing me through so that I could continue to care for my boys. Chris and Marcus I love you very much.

Another Accomplishment

Yesterday I went to have my pre op appointments for my surgery which is next Thursday. I am proud to announce that I have lost eight more pounds bringing my total up to seventy pounds lost since I started this weight loss journey in January. I am so proud of myself! I know now that I can do it! I have the determination, so I know I can do it!
 It feels good to put on my clothes now and they are loose. I can do so much more know than before. I feel good knowing that I'm sticking to this journey. I have had a lot of ups and downs while on this journey, but I have not slid back into unhealthy eating habits. It also feels good to see people that I know saying that they are proud of me. Most importantly, I'm proud that I'm doing this without help. I credit my faith in God for giving me the strength to continue on this journey. I know that I didn't gain the weight all in one time so I know it will take time and work to lose it. I know I'm up to the challenge.
 I have had several people tell me that I'm an inspiration to them. When I started out, it was to work on myself physically and emotionally. Because all through my life, I have suffered from self esteem issues. I felt like I couldn't have a good relationship because of my weight. In school, I had very few friends because I felt it was because of my weight. I used to get teased all the time. In high school, I wasn't popular at all. If  girls talked to me at all it was to try and get me to convince my brother to go out with them because he was popular. For a time, school was so bad that I quit going for a time the end of my junior/senior year. I had some good people come into my life and encouraged me not to give up. One was my high school counselor Ms. Kelsaw and the woman I call my second mom Mary Lou! These ladies was there for me and encourage me to be the best I can be. I also want to thank Mr. Hoffman. Even though I didn't have a class with him, he guided me as well.  They wasn't afraid to tell me truth whether I wanted to hear it or not.
  For anyone that is struggling with your weight, please don't give up! Take it one day at a time. If you fall, just pick yourself back up because you have another day to get it right. I eat healthy everyday but I occasionally have a cheat day. But even then I watch my calorie intake. My best advice is to drink plenty of water! That is all I drink now! Last but not least, Henry I know you are smiling down on me and so proud of  me!

Accomplishment

In 11 days I will be celebrating my 42nd birthday. I am proud of all that I have accomplished in these nine months since I first started my weight loss journey in January. I am 62 pounds lighter and working hard on losing more. It is hard work  but I see the difference in my appearance. I love how now when I out on my clothes, they are loose. I like when I'm walking, I see people and they stop to tell me how proud they are and to continue the good work. I'm proud of how I've stuck with even when life has gotten in the way.
  I just want to say it has been three months since I started walking everyday. I joined the gym two months ago. It's also been two months since I started doing Zumba. I enjoy doing all the exercises not. I can't believe it's me saying it when I didn't like it at all. But I had reached my point when I would wake up in the mornings wheezing because of my asthma. My knees and legs hurting because of my arthritis.  Losing weight has also been good for my self esteem as I'm presently working on loving myself.  I have learned that you have to love yourself first. When I gain all of my confidence back, watch out world because I'm going to take it by storm.
 It also feel good when your kids are proud of you and all the hard work that you have put in. Chris and Marcus push me and motivate me everyday to be the best I can be. Plus they support and encourage me to keep pushing on. I just want to say, for anyone that is struggling with weight, just take it one day at a time. You didn't gain it all at one time, so it's going to take time to shed it.  If you fall off, just get back up and try again! When I get to where I want to be weight wise, I will still continue because I don't want to slip back into my unhealthy habit.