My Feelings

      I haven't written in this blog since 2015 and life happened to where I have forgotten that I had this blog until today.  So many things have happened in my life since I starting the blog.  I first started it because I was looking for a way to document my weight loss journey that I was on at the time.  I'm still on my journey to better health with the help of an amazing doctor.  I am going to use this blog as a way to express my thoughts and feelings as well as my weight loss journey or as I call it my healthier lifestyle.

     On New Year's Eve, I got the news that my father had passed. I was and still am in a state of shock as I'm trying to process it all.  Although, I didn't see my dad often,  I would call him on Father's Day and his birthday, or I would call him just because I wanted to hear his voice.  In 2018, we reconnected when he was in the hospital and I surprised him with a visit.  He was so happy to see me and we talked and laughed.  When I was younger, I always thought that my dad loved my brother more than me but that wasn't the case.  He told me that he loved me but differently  from  my brother.  I can still remember the conversation because he brought it up.  I finally understood what he was talking about because of the two young men that I have. That didn't diminish the love that he had for me and the love that I had and will always have for him.

     As my dad health declined, I didn't go see him like I should have and that is what's hurting me the most right now as I am grieving.  The pain that I'm feeling is deep. I haven't has a decent night of rest since his passing.  I thought I would have had more time to say my goodbyes or I was hoping and that he praying would beat his illness.  I know God makes no mistakes and I know in my heart that my dad was weary.  I will always cherish my memories of my dad and remember all of the good times.  I will cherish the wisdom that he handed out when I saw or spoke with him.

I will be saying my final goodbyes to my dad this weekend.  I don't know how I will handle it. I'm still processing the feelings that I have.  I do know that's it's going to take me a long time to get over this loss.  Just knowing that  I won't be able to just pick up the phone to call him just to hear his voice or just to surprise him with a visit is going be hard deal with. I know that I will have some good and bad days in the future.

     To my dad, Rest Easy because your oldest daughter misses you so much.  I wish you were still here but God needed you more. I will always love you and you are always in my heart. I know that you will be an angel watching over me and the rest of my sisters and brothers.

Walking Anniversary

Today marks a year that I started walking to be healthy. On this journey I have discovered his much I love doing it. But also by walking, you have a chance just to think about life in general. I know that I am blessed because I have been through so much in my life to get to where I am today. It has not been easy and life isn't by a long shot.
Today I was called bitter. Maybe I am in a sense because here I am always being the kind person that I am, I tend to be taken advantage of. To some degree, I have been used up to where once I have been used, I don't matter anymore. I have discovered that the hard way. I always felt like I'm on the outside looking in even in my own family. I also feel like I'm the black sheep of it as well. I know that I'm not perfect by no means,  but to always feel like you're such a disappointment  because you have less than others is heartbreaking. Especially when you feel like you're being compared to your siblings and what they have and what they can do. Especially when you feel like no matter what you do or what you have done is never enough. You know I may smile on the outside but the inside is another story.  I may not have a lot of money or material things, but I do have a kind heart and soul. No matter what, I am a person that matters.
So yes, maybe I am bitter. I'm tired of being used, unloved, and taking advantage of.  Yes, maybe I'm bitter because I tired of being treated like dirt. But as I go about the rest of my day,  I will be celebrating my one year walking by walking. It helps clears my soul and thoughts.

Reflection Sunday

As I'm sitting here thinking and reflecting I have often wondered about why I can't find a man to have a meaningful relationship with. I have ask the question if there is something wrong with me. I know my worth and I have just had some bad relationships in the past. I had some one ask me a while ago the reason that I was on my weight loss journey. Was I trying to slim down to find a man. The answer was no that I'm losing it for myself and my health. But in the back of my mind I have always wondered if it had been my weight that have kept me from having any type of relationship. To me the answer is yes because of no fault of my own and my belief of trusting, in my past relationships I have been the other woman when to my thinking I was the only one. This has led me to have many heartbreaks in the course of my growing up. Maybe it had something to do with my self esteem which at time even now that I am growing my confidence. Often I wonder have I met Mr. Right and I didn't know it and he past me by. 

I am waiting this time around because I have been hurt and too trusting at times when in relationships. Knowing what I know now and reflecting on it deeply, what may have felt like a relationship to me was not what it meant to them. It meant to them I believe that they sensed I had self esteem issues that I was easy to use to their advantage until they didn't need me anymore or I wasn't of any use to them anymore. It's a wonderful thing I'm finding out going on this journey. Yes I still believe in true love because I have seen many examples of it even if I haven't had the experience of it yet.  I feel one day that I will experience it. I know I have a lot to offer and I know I'm worthy of so much more than what I have had in the past. But until I do, I refuse to settle for less than I deserve. Here I am about to turn 43 in a few months and I haven't experienced true love. I know when I finally do, I won't let it pass me by.

Weight gain

I went to the doctor today because I was feeling bad. Right now I have an upper respiratory infection and my asthma flared up. I also weighted and found out that I had gained some weight back. When I saw the number in the scale, I was bummed out but one of my favorite nurses told me to still be proud because look at what I accomplished. That made me feel better. Even though this is a set back, I am not going to give up the fight!! I lost before and I will lose again!! That is why I'm glad I don't have a scale at home because I will become obsessed and that will cause more harm than good. I just want to tell everyone that is struggling with weight issues, don't give up! I'm not going to!!  I'm here to encourage and hopefully I am helping someone with my journey!! Having support and the determination is so important!! I'm determined!! I'm going to keep my eyes on the prize!! Just keep on encouraging me as I will be encouraging myself!!

Feelings

I know that I haven't posted in a while on here. Today I just felt like writing my thoughts down or typing them down. I'm still on my weight loss journey. So far so good. These past few days I have been feeling down and alone. It has given me a lot to think about. I know that I have been an inspiration to a few people and some are even proud of me. I am proud of me also but sometimes I just feel so alone. I really don't have anyone in my family that I can really talk too. The one person that you would think would be the easiest to talk to isn't. Sometimes I just feel like maybe I just don't matter. It's all I can do not to cry while typing this. I have had so many people in my life say such hateful things to me that often makes me question my self esteem and myself.  I just sit here thinking that all the relationships that I was in was wrong for me because in each one of them I was looking for unconditional love. I have to say that wasn't successful. I'm trying so hard to remain true to myself since I have been on my journey for a year. Sometimes I just want to sink back into the comfort and love that food used to give me when I wasn't receiving it. But so far I have remain strong and I still continue to eat healthy.

I am finally learning that once you do for others, they don't extend the same courtesy. Once you say no when they ask you to do something for them, they get mad or don't speak to you. Maybe they act like they are better than you. No one can ever say that I was not there for them when I could be. Whether it was lending money, buying something, or just being there, I was there. I asked for nothing in return. I let everyone know I was there for them because that was the way I was raised by my grandparents.

It hurts my heart to hear people say that I have a favorite out of my boys. Even my oldest feels this way and it hurts my heart so bad. I do all I can for both of my boys and to hear that made my heart break. Yes I do spend more quality time with my youngest Marcus because he's going through the same self esteem issues that I went through when I was in school. He doesn't have a whole lot of friends and sometimes he feels left out.  My oldest I don't worry about because he's outgoing and has plenty of friends and family that loves him. Sometimes my youngest feels like members of his family don't love him and I feel for him because I can relate. He is my walking partner and when we walk we talk about school and his feelings about things. I feel bad that I can't do certain things for them both because I can no longer work. When I had my car and my job, that's I felt is when people wanted to be around me. Now that I have neither, it's like I don't exist for certain people unless they want me to do something for them. 

I am going to just pray hard on it because right now it's making feel like I have hatred in my heart and that's not the person that I am. It's also trying to make me bitter which I'm not trying to be. I'm still going to continue my journey and make the most of it. I will rise and shine again. I just want to thank everyone that has been in my corner. Love you all. Thanks for reading my blog.

Feeling down

I'm sitting here feeling blue and I decided to write my next installment of my blog. I am still on my journey because I'm not giving up. Just feeling like I'm letting my boys down because I am struggling so much just to provide for them now. It's just a new set of worrying and some days I just want to eat my problems away. That is unhealthy so I'm trying to just write how I feel. I'm here to say it's not easy living off an income once a month when you are so used to working and being able to provide for them. It's hard telling them you can't get this or that because I'm budgeting how I'm going to buy groceries for the rest of the month. I know they understand but to me I feel like I'm letting them down. I just feel like I'm in a backward spiral from where I was just three or four years ago. I'm blessed that I get to be a stay at home mom but I really wish I was back on the work force. I really don't have anyone to talk to that really understands me. It's just like I'm lonely all the time. I do go out and do my daily walks and Zumba. I also volunteer at the library twice a week. I'm in college online so when I finish, maybe this will be a start of something new in my life. My oldest has his first part time job and I'm so proud of him. When I started this blog, it was to help me with my weight loss journey. I never realized that I was inspiring so many people in various ways. I have had many of my friends tell me how my blogs and posts have helped and encourage them. I'm going to keep on keeping on because I will overcome all the obstacles that are in my way. Not giving up even though sometimes I want to. Especially when you do all you can for others and they don't appreciate it. Or when you are constantly feel like you don't even matter. That you feel like the only reason that people want to be around you when you have a little bit of money and then the rest of time look down at you because you don't have. But you know, I will be back and stronger than ever. I just have to weather the storm. I just want my boys to be proud of me and I just want them to know that I love them both the same. I hope they don't feel like I have a favorite because that is how I have been feeling all my life. Until then, I am just going to concentrate on getting healthy and working on me. Because I have to continue to love me first and foremost so that I can be happy and free.

Merry Christmas

i just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I was just sitting here reflecting on all I have accomplished and I am so proud of myself!! I have to admit it feels good. I still have a long ways to go but I'm up for the challenge. The Devil tried to steal my joy last night and I just felt like I wanted to go back to old eating habits. I had someone close to me say a very hurtful thing last night. It really made me feel some type of way and very sad on the inside. I tried not to let bother me but it does. Because I do all I can to provide for this person. I always make sure this person have and I go without. I never imagine this person would say that to me. As I am sitting here typing this I am in tears. Last night was the toughest night of my life as a single parent. I'm here trying to be both parents because your father quit stepping up to the plate. But you know what I'm still standing and I will not let anyone steal my joy. I just had to do this blog today because I didn't want these negative feelings on my mind and heart. So I am going to enjoy this day and take my walk later. Most importantly I'm going to be happy and continuing working on me and reaching my goals.