Weight gain

I went to the doctor today because I was feeling bad. Right now I have an upper respiratory infection and my asthma flared up. I also weighted and found out that I had gained some weight back. When I saw the number in the scale, I was bummed out but one of my favorite nurses told me to still be proud because look at what I accomplished. That made me feel better. Even though this is a set back, I am not going to give up the fight!! I lost before and I will lose again!! That is why I'm glad I don't have a scale at home because I will become obsessed and that will cause more harm than good. I just want to tell everyone that is struggling with weight issues, don't give up! I'm not going to!!  I'm here to encourage and hopefully I am helping someone with my journey!! Having support and the determination is so important!! I'm determined!! I'm going to keep my eyes on the prize!! Just keep on encouraging me as I will be encouraging myself!!

Feelings

I know that I haven't posted in a while on here. Today I just felt like writing my thoughts down or typing them down. I'm still on my weight loss journey. So far so good. These past few days I have been feeling down and alone. It has given me a lot to think about. I know that I have been an inspiration to a few people and some are even proud of me. I am proud of me also but sometimes I just feel so alone. I really don't have anyone in my family that I can really talk too. The one person that you would think would be the easiest to talk to isn't. Sometimes I just feel like maybe I just don't matter. It's all I can do not to cry while typing this. I have had so many people in my life say such hateful things to me that often makes me question my self esteem and myself.  I just sit here thinking that all the relationships that I was in was wrong for me because in each one of them I was looking for unconditional love. I have to say that wasn't successful. I'm trying so hard to remain true to myself since I have been on my journey for a year. Sometimes I just want to sink back into the comfort and love that food used to give me when I wasn't receiving it. But so far I have remain strong and I still continue to eat healthy.

I am finally learning that once you do for others, they don't extend the same courtesy. Once you say no when they ask you to do something for them, they get mad or don't speak to you. Maybe they act like they are better than you. No one can ever say that I was not there for them when I could be. Whether it was lending money, buying something, or just being there, I was there. I asked for nothing in return. I let everyone know I was there for them because that was the way I was raised by my grandparents.

It hurts my heart to hear people say that I have a favorite out of my boys. Even my oldest feels this way and it hurts my heart so bad. I do all I can for both of my boys and to hear that made my heart break. Yes I do spend more quality time with my youngest Marcus because he's going through the same self esteem issues that I went through when I was in school. He doesn't have a whole lot of friends and sometimes he feels left out.  My oldest I don't worry about because he's outgoing and has plenty of friends and family that loves him. Sometimes my youngest feels like members of his family don't love him and I feel for him because I can relate. He is my walking partner and when we walk we talk about school and his feelings about things. I feel bad that I can't do certain things for them both because I can no longer work. When I had my car and my job, that's I felt is when people wanted to be around me. Now that I have neither, it's like I don't exist for certain people unless they want me to do something for them. 

I am going to just pray hard on it because right now it's making feel like I have hatred in my heart and that's not the person that I am. It's also trying to make me bitter which I'm not trying to be. I'm still going to continue my journey and make the most of it. I will rise and shine again. I just want to thank everyone that has been in my corner. Love you all. Thanks for reading my blog.